Hi there! Today I’m talking about the difference between praise and encouragement. These terms are often used interchangeably, but there is a slight difference. Though the difference is slight, it does matter.
Praise is complimenting the quality of someone’s performance. Encouragement is complimenting the effort and work put into it.
Here’s an example. If your child came in and said “I got a 100 on my test today!” and you reply “you’re so smart!” you just praised your child. If you replied “you worked so hard and you did it!” you just gave your child encouragement.
Now, you might be wondering why a difference so slight even matters. So let me give you another example:
Your child brings home an A on her assignment. She hears “you’re so smart” and she feels really good about herself.
She brings home another A. And another. And another. (This can be common in early elementary years when the assignments aren’t as complex).
She hears “you’re so smart!” with every A. She feels really great about herself and her intelligence!
She gets older. The assignments get harder. And then she gets her first B (or lower) .
She thinks, “oh…I guess I’m not as smart as I thought.” She may even jump to the extreme of “I guess I’m stupid.” She feels really bad about herself. She starts to doubt her intelligence. Self-esteem takes a hit. Other classmates got As on their assignment…she thinks they must be smarter than her because they got better grades than she did. She brings home the B to you, you’re surprised but you say “it’s okay, you can do better next time!” She thinks “can I? I’m not as smart as I thought I was, so is there even a point in trying?”
All from one assignment that got less than an A.
Now let’s go back to the beginning of the example and look at the difference encouragement makes.
Your child comes in, says “I got a 100 on my test today!” and you say “you worked so hard and you did it!”
She continues to bring home high grades. She continues to hear about how hard she worked on her assignments and how much she studied.
She gets older. The assignments get harder. And then she gets her first B.
She might be upset at first. No one likes getting a B after getting As for so long. But she knows she got all of those As because of the work she put into earning them. She thinks “I guess I didn’t work hard enough this time. I’ll just have to work harder next time!” Her self-esteem may take a slight hit, but she doesn’t attribute her grades (external validation) to her level of intelligence. She’s learned to attribute grades with effort.
All kids are different and not all kids will react exactly in the ways I just described. But do you see the difference why the difference matters?
You can replace the above examples with any number of things. Another common one is artwork, as many young kids like to draw, color and do arts and crafts. Instead of saying “that’s so pretty” or “you’re so talented/artistic/creative” a great way of encouraging your child is by just pointing out what you see as a way of recognizing their effort. This may sound like “ooh, you used a lot of blue in this one” or “I like how you put lots of little detail over here.” You can also praise the effort by saying something like “wow, I can tell you worked really hard on that.”
Now, I’m not saying NEVER praise your child. Everyone likes a little validation from others every now and then. It feels good to hear “you’re so pretty!” or “great job!” But you don’t want to ONLY praise your child. Most of us (myself included, former preschool teacher) have deeply ingrained habits of saying “good job” or “you’re so smart/creative/pretty” almost automatically at this point. I still catch myself automatically saying “good job” with kids. So a good rule of thumb that I’d encourage (pun intended) you to try is pairing praise with encouragement. The simplest way of doing this is by saying “good job, you did it!” (I can’t count how many times I’ve used that at this point).
Praise tends to lead to comparisons to others, competition, giving up easily, and can cause people to rely on what others think of them. Encouragement can help people develop resilience, the will to keep trying, and to rely on internal validation instead of what others think of them.
Can you think of a way you or your child have been impacted by praise or encouragement? Let me know in the comments! Questions are always welcome, too.
Be well,
Taylor
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